My Road to Redemption

Bend, Don’t Break

3.17.2013

There’s this energy that seems to follow me everywhere I go, and no matter what type of accomplishments I think I may have acquired or accolades earned, I always feel like there’s something I’m not doing, and I’m 99.5% confident that something is THIS. I always feel like I need to be writing or should be writing or should be reading more so I get a more rounded, more diversified tool shed when it comes to telling my own stories, but instead, all I do is work. Even when I’m not at my job, I’m thinking about work. I’m thinking about things I can do to improve my own situation. I think about all the little intricacies that go into my office workplace dynamics: high-turnover, questionable morale grounding, and high volume. I came to terms long ago that I was dispendable there. My first week, I told myself I’d be proud if I made it a week. And then the same after a month. And then after three months. Now, I’m approaching my six month mark, and approaching it quickly. My internship is more than half-way through; as far as I remember, playoffs start next month, and that’ll be the busiest time of the year for me in that regards, probably. I like my income, I like the areas I’m working in; I just hate working for individuals that feel they can talk down to me and make me their own personal mouth piece. That’s what I’ll be because I have to be, and in this stupid, broken, and mal-aligned economy. There are no other jobs. These are my jobs. I have to do these things or else what am I? A nobody loner with an anxiety disorder and a propensity to medicate a lot..

That bothers me though, and I’ll tell you why. I remember what I was like before “medicating” ever came into my life. Before the prescription pills, the experiments with alcohol and cannabis: before all of that, all I would do is stay in my room and play video games all day. I would desperately seek to crawl into another story line or universe in which I was anyone but myself. It wasn’t because I didn’t like myself or I didn’t enjoy this world, it was that I was suffering through an extraordinary amount of pain with no way out. So I made a way out. I played video games and read books and played role-playing games. The usual competitive me that played basketball, soccer, baseball, football, participated in Karate (purple belt, bitches), natural swimmer, etc.. no longer wanted to do any of those things, COULDN’T do any of those things, so I turned to the only thing I could: stories. Love stories, war stories, ancient stories, fictional stories, and in those stories, I found something that I could not find within myself. I found a certain strength and perseverance that allowed me to turn each page knowing full well there might be some pages better than others. Knowing that the good guy was always going to get roughed up, beat down, told “No”, that he was worthless, just another grain of sand among billions, before he ever stood up for himself and decked that evil son of a bitch villain right in the chin. I’ve worked for several people now. Women bosses, men bosses, bosses that were related to me, bosses that were older than me, bosses that were younger than me. I’ve had bosses that knew me very well, and bosses that didn’t care to take a moment to get to know me or my name. And the one thing I’ve learned from all these “upper management” folk is I don’t want to have a boss for the rest of my life. Lord knows life’s scary enough with certain things looming your shoulder every day, but I think having a person or a group of people checking in on my well being and looking to censor any slip ups before I make them disturbs me. I want to make mistakes. I want to fail. I want my first stories to suck and turn people off. That’s all part of the process. What I don’t need is someone to remind me the importance of each failure and how my failures affect them. I know. That’s what you’ll never understand. All you have to do is point out I made the mistake. My mind and poor self-esteem will take care of the rest. You throwing fuel onto the fire by pointing out how you’d like things to be done going forward or how important it is that I “stay in front” of things only makes me more nervous and more likely to mess up in the future.

I know who I am. I like who I am. I understand who I am. And while I can put a shit eating grin on my face while you chide me, I just want you to know I’m taking notes the whole time and plotting my escape. You may have me as your man for now, but don’t be fooled: you can’t buy loyalty outright; you earn it.

Honestly, I don’t know how long it will take, when it’s going to happen, or what will be the subject to get me off this shit island but, I know that I won’t stop trying. You have me bound today, but look out your window soon enough and see me soar. I refuse to live a mediocre life. I refuse to accept this as my reality. I will not be your ‘yes man’.

But still, where do I start? So many areas, so many subjects, so many different angles to consider… It really does leave me exhausted when I pull back to look at it all, so, let’s start somewhere and focus in on what comes first. Me. Writing. Me writing, what? Me writing about… work? Me writing about… love, or lack thereof? Me writing about… me?

That would be slightly ironic. I pull myself out of everyone else’s stories to lose myself in my own, only to share that story with the world and make myself vulnerable from just about every angle. What do you say? I heard this ‘irony’ thing is all the rave these days…

-S

Celebration

I’ve done a little “celebrating” tonight; i’ll be honest. I recently received a mandatory pay raise, and starting feb 1, should be covered insurance wise, so, that should be cool. 2012 was a tough year and there are still remnants shown through this new year. Two 45+ hour weeks back to back on top of some internship stuff. Heartbreaking news about the Sacramento Kings leaving Sacramento, where i was born and raised, and the team i was looking forward to covering, or at least getting a chance to see what it might have been like but, it looks like that probably won’t be happening. So, if i can’t control what happens to the kings, and i can’t control whats happening at work and i cant control the women i so badly wish would let me into their lives, i will instead focus on controlling my thoughts and desires into things more productive and positive, like trying to write again.

Its a tad frustrating because i just signed a non-disclosure agreement so i cannot really talk too much about work and there’s still a lot of questions i have for management as far as what i can even confirm/acknowledge publicly but until then all i can really say is that im a patient services representative and i work for a medical facility in west sacramento called RCP Sacramento. I like what i do, and im having to work more in my life than ive ever had to which has left less room for things i want to do like write or work out or play basketball or hang out with friends or see movies or play video games, etc etc… I can see my arms getting leaner and my body too. I can see the facial hair sprouting all over. I suppose this is a time of transition, and I’m totally eager and willing to embrace the change, but i cant help but just reflect on how far ive come and all those that have helped me along the way. I feel so much more humble a person, and so much more… Confident. Dont get me wrong; i have my shy moments and moments of doubt same as ever but i also have a boldness and fearlessness that can give me great strength when i need it. Im thankful and grateful to have these talents, and these friends and families whove given me ample opportunity to grow into the man i am today.

Tonight, im celebrating the fact that im still here. Im celebrating that im not underwater in debt, i have some money in my wallet (not lots but enough), some friends to look forward to hanging out with, and a job i look forward to going to, despite all the politics and office dramas. At the end of the day i feel like im helping people, people who have told me thank you for giving me advice, and you were right, and i feel so much better, and yeah… it just feels very.. rewarding. I guess all the bullshit i had to go through to get here was worth it, and next up, after i put away some money, i think ill go back to school and get some kind of fancy degree. But first, i got another 40+ hour week ahead of me so, have a lovely weekend. I apologize for the lack of updates, i really do but know that im just so busy working and resting in between work that i havent had much time to myself. I appreciate you now more than ever, and thank you all for continuing to come back and read and check up on me. 

Youre often a quiet group but i can feel your silent presence around me :) Happy new year and have a blessed rest of your January ;)

-SJD 

2012 =====> 2013!

1.1.2013

Well, it’s a new year, and thank goodness, because for a second, I thought I lost this file. I definitely don’t write anywhere near close to 2,000 words a day but that’s only because I have become saturated with work. I work full-time at a medical facility in west sac that I must be somewhat discrete about due to our patient confidentiality agreement with our collective members/patients, but I can say that I’m working close to 45 hours this week, and it’s pretty much my first real, full time job, where I’m working for someone I don’t know, and I’m showing up to work everyday like its my last day. But I can’t approach it that way anymore because there’s some consistency finally showing through and I dunno, I work tomorrow, and supposedly there’s going to be some evaluations so, I’m hoping for the best and crossing my fingers. Hopefully my hard work and efforts pay off.

I just feel distracted by the fact that I don’t really have anyone in my life to share my life with completely, outside of like a few close friends/family members, and even with them, there’s probably only one person I share everything with, and I shield some of the negative stuff from her because she’s sensitive like me. And lately I’ve just been negative because things have not played out with the ladies as I had hoped they would, but that’s okay, because I’ve been so busy at work, I haven’t even really had time to maintain a relationship, let alone my messy room. I want to have some time to breathe and write and create and get back into some of these stories that were my way of expressing myself, but every time I imagine the story, it was something bad or negative, and I’m tired of bumming people out. I want good things to happen, I really can’t explain it but it’s so frustrating to only report bad news. And that’s not to say my life’s all bad; I’m just really busy working, and that’s all there really is to say.

It’s a new year, and a year of exciting opportunity and growth, so, I’m going to approach with the ABE mindset: Always Be Expanding. Don’t let myself stagnate. Keep growing, keep fighting, keep getting better, keep knocking that debt off, keep grinding away those work hours until I have enough saved up and enough experience to self sustain. That’s the plan. That’s the goal, but I know for awhile, it’s going to be grind time. And, after being a bouncer and standing out in the frigid cold to check ID’s at a college town, I don’t mind the current job that I have now, at all. I just know, its New Year’s Day, and it was my first day off after working like 12 days out of 14, and I feel exhausted knowing I have to fall asleep to do it over again. I’m hoping the New Year brings change, and I hope my hard work has sewn a bright new future for myself.

For those of you saying tell it to your therapist, first of all, I don’t have the money for that, and secondly, I don’t really have anyone to share this stuff with so let me vent, okay? Alright, now that my defensive mode is off, let me just say sorry for the delay in between writings. Its been such a hectic, crazy past few months. At times I really did feel like the world might be ending but, nope; we’re all still here. Everyone’s still doing what they did yesterday, and the day before that. No zombies. No nukes. No aliens or sea monsters. Just another day of monotonous grinding and slaving away to earn enough money to pay my debt off, which, again, not complaining, just preparing myself with the proper mindset. I will get a break some day but not tomorrow. And not the day after.

My lil pupper Melvin, a 15+ year old jack Russell terrier, had to be put down a couple weeks ago. It sucked. I don’t feel like talking about it much. He was a cool dog and I’ll miss him, even if he did tear up the door after we put him in the laundry room to sleep, and then pee all over his bed and floor, too. But ill miss the lil guy.

Not much else to report really. I have to work some more over the next several days, but I’m hoping to bring good news so stay tuned. Happy New Years, and congratulations on surviving that tumultuous 2012 ;)

Coming back soon…

-SJD

kalisoar asked: *pokes you* cant wait for BREAKING BADDDD FINALEEEE!!!!!! *SQUEEEEEE*

i cant believe we have another finale to go through. i was kinda depressed after the last one. and after that last TWD too lol. 

i need to write my own stories just so theres a happy ending every once in awhile :P 

Anonymous asked: Are u single? I may have a slight crush on u.... :)

I have a couple girls i’m interested in but unfortunately neither one has really done much in my eyes to show me theyre really interested in me (its nice to get the “im thinking of you” messages, but i need someone who wants to be with me). Maybe they think im hot or whatever but, at the end of the day, i want someone who wants to be around me, and not keep me at arms length all the time.

Maybe im frustrated, maybe im losing my patience but. I feel like i work too hard all day to have to come home and work at earning someone’s trust enough so theyll finally make the leap and kick it with me some day. 

So instead of trying so hard to impress girls or be something im not, i decided im just going to put myself out there, the real me, even if i’m imperfect, and whoever is the most interested in me will show through. Whatever happens, happens. But for the moment, it would appear i’m quite single. Maybe i need to rethink my strategy lol. :S

11-3-2012

He woke up confused and disoriented. It was still dark out, so he knew there was no way he’d gotten more than a couple hours of sleep. A soft snoring sound was coming from his travel companion, the Princess on the Run, as he had heard her been called. While looking over her angelic features, he couldn’t help but notice how soft and vulnerable she looked. The expensive fabric of her gown clung to her curves accenting all the features that made his blood rush and his mind race, feeling the mark on his head slightly pulsate, as a red deep, red glow dimly lit the immediate area around him. Quickly, he brought his hand up to his head, covering the mark from illuminating their campsite. Then, he felt a gentle but firm grip overtake his wrist, and slowly his hand drifted away from the mark.

“It’s beautiful.”

She sounded a little tired still, but enchanted by the mark on his head. To this day he still felt self-conscious and embarrassed, and turned away from her, bringing his hand back up to his forehead, until the mark changed color to a royal purple, so dark that it dampened what little light shown in from the canopy above them, making it harder for anyone or anything to see the knight and the princess.

“I don’t think so. It gets me into more trouble than it’s worth,” He absent-mindedly rolled his eyes down to his feet, feeling his thoughts go way back. Back to a room with jars, bottles, candlesticks, and cobwebs as far as the eye could see. The sharp cold stuck with him, and a shiver ran up his spine.

“What is it?” She looked concerned.

Now the mark on his head was glowing a sickly green.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Don’t worry about me. We should go back to bed.”

Her hand reached forward and then she pulled it back, placing it neatly in her lap.

“It’s okay to tell me things, you know that right?” Now he looked confused, and the mark switched to a swirling grey.

“Tell you things? Like what kind of things?”

She bit her lip a little, trying to phrase her words delicately.

“Like, who you are, or why you’re helping me. We’ve been travelling for several days together and I know nothing about you, other than you’re a decent man who has saved my life on multiple occasions. But you ask for not money, or power, or recognition, or…” Her fingers ran up her legs,
“Favors. You simply do as I command and never ask for anything in return. What sort of man has no wants or needs?”

He’d never thought about himself that way. Survival had been more important than earthly pleasures like fine silk or costly women, but that didn’t mean he was indifferent towards it all. Sure he wanted nice things and to feel the warm touch of a good woman, but he decided that wasn’t for him to choose the time and place. You don’t simply go to the market and pick up the love of your life, especially when you had as much going on as he did, but he had to admit, he often times dreamed of living a normal existence in which he was a married man with a loving, loyal wife and an armful of children to make his hair gray. But, after some time, and reflection, he realized that life wasn’t for him. His path lead him down to a different journey: a journey that had brought him here, to this forest, with this princess.

“The sort of man who has no need for needs. As a young man, sure, I lusted, and chased after women, if only in my mind, but I realized soon thereafter the more I wanted something, the more impossible it became to achieve or have whatever it is my heart cherished. So, I decide to live without wants or desires. If the world puts someone or something in my way that needs help, I will help it, or die trying. I don’t live for myself, and sometimes wonder if I’d rather not live at all.”

She gasped. “Don’t ever say that. I have not ever met a man like you.”

The knight smiled. “Lucky you. Go back to bed, Princess.” His mark shifted back from purple into a soft, scarlet, as he covered the princess with a roll from his pack.

“You have my thanks, sir.”

The knight nodded. “Aye. And you have mine. Now close your eyes.”

She wondered what he possibly could thank her for as her mind drifted back to sleep.

#sjd 

Reoccurring dream

9.18.2012

The dream had been the same as many nights as he could remember. He was looking for someone, a girl, possibly, maybe a friend, maybe a lover. All he knew was that she was missing and that he had to find her. Everything depended on it. He pushed his way through a crowded cobblestone street, eyes sweeping the streets back and forth. Nothing, no sign of her anywhere. For an instant, he thought he had her scent, and he was following it inside some kind of apparel store. There were women populated throughout the store, all of them different looking, with different hair styles, and different mannerisms, but he could tell none of them was the one he was looking for. Still, he searched the rest of the store, checking every corner, and coming up empty, decided to wander back out to the streets, which were now empty. He looked back inside the apparel store; it was closed. The seemingly bright and beautiful day was now dark and cold; his eyes spied many different alley ways and avenues. Deciding it was best to go back to the hotel, he jogged back, seeing shadows form along the walls around him before he burst through the hotel’s double doors and into the hotel lobby. There was a gaunt man standing behind the lobby desk with a rim-less cap and a tightly fighting uniform that looked impeccable. Clearly the man was too busy or important to be bothered, so he continued from the lobby into the elevator and hit a button. The elevator began to rise, quickly, and all around him, the world rushed past him. He could see out onto the hotel’s roof where a single pool was. It was overcast out, which made it hard to determine what time of day it was exactly, but he could tell there were more than a few people surrounding the water. They were all in various stages of lounging around or lazily swimming in the pool, barely causing so much as a ripple in the water. While the elevator was shooting up to the 95^th floor, he could see that whoever he was looking for was also not by the pool. He sighed, frustrated, by his lack of progress. Ding. The doors opened behind him and he saw a giant hallway going left and right. He went left, following it all the way to room 9519, where he tried the handle, pushed in his keycard, and then pushed the door open. An empty, sterile, clean hotel room lay before him. No one was in it, and he approached the window looking over the city directly in front of him. He started unbuttoning his shirt, feeling it fall to the floor. The cool air from the aid conditioning unit felt nice against his warm skin. Again, he sighed.
“Hey, you.” The voice was definitely female, and definitely belonged to the woman he was looking for. He turned around, in time to see her dark hair and her dark eyes before he snapped awake from his dream, covered in sweat and gasping for air. He was so close to seeing her face and knowing who she was. But it wasn’t time yet. He rolled over and went back to sleep knowing that time was swiftly approaching.

-SJD

The Man and the Princess (pt 2)

9.8.2012

They were a safe distance away from their pursuers when the Man decided to slow down His steed, and set up camp for the night. However, the Princess wasted no time jumping off the animal’s back and onto the ground, landing softly and gracefully as one might expect of a Princess. She also looked quite angry with Her brow furrowed and Her tiny little fists clenched at Her side. Seeing this as He was tying His horse to a nearby tree, He asked Her, “Something a matter, Your Highness?”

“The nerve on You, Sir, I’ll have You know I had that situation handled until you came swooping in and damn near destroyed the place!”

The Man finished tying a not, securing His steed from fleeing while they slept, and turned to face the Princess directly. “I apologize for nothing; we were both in danger, and I got us out of it.”

The Princess scoffed, “A few men with pitchforks? And a lone giant with a couple blades? How weak do you take me? I could have handled them, just fine! But nooo, the big strong man has to come in and save me from myself! Well I don’t need any saving!”

Seeing She was upset, but for more than obvious reasons, He approached Her slowly, extending His hand no more than a foot away from Her. “No one is saying you couldn’t have dealt with that on your own, Your Highness, but when I walked out front to get our horses, there was a group of ten to fifteen armed soldiers bearing the mark of the Blue scanning all around for you and me. It was only a matter of time before the Giant went outside and alerted them. Fleeing out the back was our only option. You could have disarmed and disabled every man in that tavern, true, but what of the fifteen armed, trained soldiers outside? What of them, Princess?”

She looked down at His hand and backed away, bringing Her hands up to Her chest, clutching them closely. “But, the mark of the Blue, that’s only for…”

Now the Man stepped closer, finishing Her sentence, “For fugitives they tend to capture and execute ON SITE! If they would have found us, we would have both been slaughtered on the street, like rabid animals!”

“Impossible!” She exclaimed. “My father would NEVER allow harm to come to me,”

Hearing this, the Man winced. He had heard something terrible and tragic had befallen Her father, but now was clearly not the time to tell Her.

“What is it?” She sensed something was wrong; the mark on his forehead flashed a solemn grey.
“Your body reveals You, Sir.” Her finger pointed at the scar on His forehead.

Now, he turned away, and went back to his horse, unloading the gear that was on it. “I couldn’t get to most of our equipment, but these sleeping rolls and rations should suffice, for now. Good night Princess.”

The Man unrolled his mat by his steed, petted her twice, then laid down and closed His eyes. The Princess watched, sighed, grabbed Her mat, unrolled it on the other side of the steed, and laid down. They both slept angry that night.

-SJD

The Man and the Princess

9.6.2012

“You have no right to speak to us in that manner!” She exclaimed as the Man that accompanied Her nervously glanced around the room, eyeing all the large men with diminished glasses of liquor and beer in front of them. “Erm, Your Highness, maybe we should,”
“Non sense!” She brushed His hand off Her shoulder. “If you have any mind about you at all, you’ll steer clear and let us out.”
“Not so fast,” A booming voice came from behind the crowding group of men, loud enough to make the chandeliers quake and the tables’ contents rattle in their various bowls and containers.
“She’s wanted, although I could care less about the likes of you,” the larger man said, pointing his knife’s tip at the Man standing next to the Princess, who was now nervously looking around the room and behind Him.
“That’s fine, sir, because in all honesty I could care less to make your acquaintance as well,” the Man said, and started to slink away from the Princess’ side.
“Hey, wait a second, where do you think You’re going!” She yelled at the Man, as the crowd didn’t budge one way or another once He got to the line of drunken, heavy breathing men.
“Let him through, he’s one of those weird whatchamacallsits. You can tell by the mark on his head and how it’s starting ta glow…”
Sure enough there was a light scar on the Man’s forehead, almost smack dead in the center, that was starting to warm up and illuminate a dark purple color. It was as subtle as a light on the middle of one’s forehead can be, but as soon as the men saw it darkening, they stepped aside, and let Him through. Immediately the Man walked straight out the door, and was gone.
The crowd turned back, to look at the Princess, who was standing tall and proud, but a little bit more vulnerable and naked without the Man at Her side.

“So is it going to be the easy way, Princess?” The large man said, stepping forward, only feet from Her, extending his hand outwards.
“Or the hard way?”
The Princess looked up at him and half snarled before spitting in the overgrown man’s face.
“I will NOT cower to bully’s tactics, SIR!”
He half laughed as he brought his claw like hand to his face, wiping the spittle from his cheek.
“That’s fine. If we’re going to start telling truths, then I wanted to do it the hard way, anyways” His laughter sounded a little more evil and full of pleasure while his hand made its way to his sheath.
A dull, purple tendril snuck in through the window directly behind and overhead the Princess. Shooting across the room like a whip it snatched the man’s wrist and yanked it upwards, causing the swing of the blade to send the men on either side of him backwards for fear of losing an eye, or a nose, or even worse, their heads, while also crashing into the rafters above him. A large snapping sound gave way as the structural support collapsed, somewhere, causing parts of the second story to come crashing down around the large man and the Princess. Behind the princess, a section of the wall cut away, and in the pale light of the exposed moon She was able to spot Him, Her Man, atop the horse that had accompanied them to town. “Come on, Princess, let’s go!” He extended His hand and helped Her up onto the steed. They raced off away from the town as men came piling out of the tavern coughing, groaning, and cursing the Man and the Princess as they disappeared into the night.

-SJD 

Labor Day

9.3.2012

I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I used to have this vision, where if I did A and B, then C was going to be coming my way, but that’s not the way the world works, and there are so many unknown unknowns that it makes it virtually impossible for me to follow one game plan all the way through, so what I have done, is become better at being versatile: not great at anything, but decent at almost everything. When I was younger, I already felt so different from everyone, I never felt the need to stand out anymore by striving to be the number one student. I don’t exactly remember what triggered the change, but there was a moment where I decided I was going to give everything I had to being the best student I could be, and then, the next day at class, after I spent pretty much my whole night reading and studying, I was more than prepared for the teacher’s line of questioning. Only, when she asked, I was the only student that raised their hand. I don’t remember the answers, or the questions, other than it was material related to U.S. history, I think, and I remember the feeling of every single student’s eye on me as I correctly answered question after question. Towards the beginning, there were other students to be called upon, students raising their arms and waving them eagerly as if to show that the answer was loaded and painfully ready to come out. However, as the questioning went on, and it became apparent that I was prepared for the day and others weren’t, I felt something greater than the thrill of success and accomplishment: I felt the sting of jealousy and envy. My classmates didn’t like that I was the only one answering questions, and that the teacher seemed to like that, engaging me with a warm smile and complimenting me on my effort for the day. I remember thinking if I ever wanted to succeed, I was going to have to do my damndest not to stand out, but why? Were other people’s negative feelings and thoughts to me so palpable that I could literally feel them without a single spoken word or gesture?  Maybe I am more susceptible to negativity than I am positivity, which is a frightening prospect. For the life of me, I don’t understand or can’t admit why I am so fond of escaping success. Do I plan to live my life as a loser forever? Living with mom and dad uncomfortably until they kick me out or move away or some other disastrous series of events happen forcing me away from heart and home?

Now that I think about it, there are other sides to this picture. There’s a little boy who wants to please his mother and father. A little boy who is sensitive and scared, and knows that his scarier, meaner, and older brother would not like the little boy being more successful than he was. A little boy who knew that if he stood out too much or grew too fast, his brother would be there to chop him down at the roots, or throw him back down to the ground. (Microsoft is telling me the last two sentences are fragments. That’s how those parts of my life feel so I’m leaving it.) I can admit now that I was terrified of my brother and what he could or would do to my sister and me if he ever became so enraged or jealous that his actions were no longer his own. In a way, I’ve let his jealous and shallow actions force and shape my life in such a way that I am not who I was supposed to be. It’s painful to admit. Extremely painful. As I hear news of him and his wife settling down into their first house and proclaiming they’re thinking about starting a family, I stop and pause.

I am alone. I have no family. My parents watch over me, they feed me, they help me out financially when I absolutely need it, but emotionally we’re worlds apart. My father will come home from work, and I’ll inquire about his day. He’ll either tell me his day was long, or busy. And that’s about it. Then, lately, he’ll do this thing where he asks me how my night at work was, and then, when I start to tell him, he’ll close his eyes, stop moving, stick out his hand like he’s telling me to pause, then suddenly open his eyes, say “Okay!” and then go back to whatever it was he was doing before we were talking. It’s kind of a rude dick move and it drives me crazy, but he thinks he’s a silly jokester, and I’m living underneath his roof, so who am I to say anything. I am content to spend most my time in my room, like a confined prison cell, dreaming of a free world in which I get to do the things that I want to do, and not the things that are placed before me.

Of course it could always be worse, and I don’t mean to sound greedy or spiteful. Is it too much to ask to have someone tell you they’re proud of you every once in awhile? Would it be too much to ask for them to just ask how I am doing and listen to me talk for five minutes once a month, or every other month? They have such disregard for how I am and what I am going through, it’s just so painfully obvious they don’t want to know what I am doing and they don’t care, unless it’s something they can make fun of me for, or something that’s bringing in money. I thought it would be nice, spending this time with my parents in their twilight years where they can still have fun and go out and do stuff like give me advice and wisdom before it escapes their minds, but they’re old enough to let loose and live a little before slipping into walkers and pills and all that other bullshit that comes with aging. But no, they would rather sit home and catch up with Dancing with the Stars because the lives and the struggles of the characters and stars on the screen are that much more interesting than mine, I guess.

So I guess it’s time for me to try to be a little bit more interesting. Do I have YOUR attention yet? No? Well I guess I was a little too good at staying under the radar. I guess it’s time for me to rise.

Batman style.

Alright that rant felt good. Now I feel like I can breathe again. It’s Monday, Labor Day, and I have no plans, really. Finished Breaking Bad with Candace last night but now, I’m not sure what to do. I’d like to finish the Henchman. It’s just a difficult/challenging story for me to write because I know how much I suck at writing formulaic stories; I’m better at this straight from the gut stuff…

My Sister: “What are you writing?”
Me: “Stuff.”
My Sister: “Oh, okay.” *shuts door to room*

Yup. Let’s write some stuff.

Happy Labor Day folks. Be safe, drink responsibly.

-SJD